Bikers, and why you irk me.

Why do I hate bikers?

Part of me hesitates to post this, as I’m aware of a certain angst among the Clarendon Patch community regarding bicycles and the people who ride them, but I’m just going to do it anyway because I broke my “poor life choice” sensor a long time ago and I’m over it. And this is Ballston. And hopefully I don’t get shot tonight.

I really can’t stand bikers. I love the good bikers, but I have yet to come across one and so I’m going to continue saying that I can’t stand bikers until that changes. Reasons why? Let’s discuss.

1. The self-righteous environmental snobbery has GOT to go. I’m looking at you too, Prius drivers. Quit riding around like you created the heavens and the earth because you are on a bike. You are one human being. I’d think differently if you personally invented and convinced the entire DC Metropolitan Area to bike all day, but I  guarantee you didn’t. One time, in a bathroom in a California airport, I took two paper towels. Some West coast elderly elitist “I’m 72 but am trying to look 32 again” then very pointedly asked if I needed both of those paper towels, while a ridiculous face plastered itself on her person. After laughing at her over plucked eyebrow that was trying to raise itself but struggling due to the Botox injection of the hour, I took two more and left. Point of that story? Don’t trifle with me while I’m traveling, don’t try and guilt me into being green because I’ll get spiteful, and that woman was definitely a biker back in the day.
2. Bike =/= Cars. I have two very closely related problems that fall into this little box. First of all, bikes are not cars, get in your bike lane and stay there. If there isn’t one, tough cookies. If you MUST ride on the road, you MUST keep up with the flow of traffic. I am SO sick of being behind some rando who thinks he’s the next Lance Armstrong in all of his official biking gear with the weird butt pants and neon outfits traveling at five miles an hour in a 35 zone. I drive a stick shift, jerk, that’s too slow for even first gear. How do I handle the situation? I rev my engine in hopes of scaring the sheets out of the offensive biker. It has never worked. I then get loving hand gestures, which I return with a pageant kiss and wave because I’ve learned that that actually pisses people off more than obviously yelling at them. Try it next time, it works! Second of all, if you are going to use the road and properly behave like cars, you may not drive like Jeff Gordon either. You still need to stop at red lights, and I will still be pissed off if you run me over. (I’m looking at you, Williamsburg biker who has legitimately hit me. Twice.) You also may not create your own lane. I will be startled at 11 p.m. on a Wednesday when you pull up next to my car close enough to hear my heart attack because all of a sudden your motorcycle is inbetween my lane and the next. I know I just switched it up on you there, but that offense happened recently and is still fresh on the grudge list. Bikes do it too, its wrong. That’s my point.

I’m going to get mugged on my way home by an angry biker, I know. Shoot.